Thursday, December 08, 2005

How to drive fast on drugs while having your wing wang squeezed and not spill your drink.





As we approach the season of getting bladdered and throwing up over taxi drivers, I feel duty bound to concur with the annual anti drink driving campaign. We have witnessed much carnage over the years, and it is disturbing that the number of convictions for drink driving is on the rise.

Scotland has had a long dark relationship with the bottle, but most people these days have sufficient sense not to drink and drive. The penalties in terms of a driving ban and quadrupled insurance premiums are enough to make most people think twice. Unfortunately there are some numpties who continue to think it’s worth the risk.

I live in a rural area where drink driving is, unfortunately, still prevalent. It’s quite common for some of the older geezers to have a couple of pints and a few drams before driving home. Most of the roads are single track, and cars generally can’t exceed thirty miles per hour. There are no pedestrians, so only the local sheep and the drivers themselves are at risk. The police tend to turn a blind eye, which I suppose is understandable as they have to live in the community that they police. Even so, it’s a bad thing, and they really should adopt a stricter approach.

I don’t drink and drive: never have, never will. You won’t catch me down the pub after smoking a couple of spliffs and downing some Temazepam. Oh no, I get into my car and drive as a law abiding citizen, sometimes reporting erratic drivers to the police on my mobile phone.

I think I deserve a medal.

18 comments:

Sniffy said...

Good man!

I used to drive completely hungover, still pissed out of my head from the night before. I was and still am a complete and utter twat. I am so very thankful and very lucky that I never hurt or killed anybody.

I urge people to think very carefully before getting into their cars the morning after a heavy session. In fact, don't even think about it, just don't do it.

Now, where's that a quote from?

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Dont know where the quote is from, but I agree with you completely.

Drink drivers are, without exception, complete and utter twats.

Sadly, they mostly end up killing and maiming others - they themselves appear to miraculously escape with little or no injury in most cases.

The morning after is a tricky one... sometimes we feel right as rain, how do we know if we're still over the limit?

Sniffy said...

I'm sure the quote was one of Herge's from way back.

How do you know if you're over the limit from the night before? I think there's a quick way of calculating it; something based on it taking 2 hours to metabolise each pint, but the more the length of time it takes to metabolise each pint lengthens with each one that you drink.

Basically, if you've had more than 4 or 5 pints, make sure you don't drive for more than at least 8 hours after finishing the last one. Get as much sleep as possible. And don't even contemplate driving if you feel like shit and can still taste booze on your breath.

Wyndham said...

I've only ever drunk drive once. I was so completely terrified and paranoid about the whole business that I never did it again. A guy I used to work with on a local newspaper got so pissed every night that he would read the local newspaper to see if he had knocked anyone over the night before, the twat.

garfer said...

I'm sure driving with a blinding hangover is more dangerous than driving after a couple of pints.
All that looking for a place to pull over and throw up must distract the drivers attention.

Sniffy said...

Driving while hungover is much worse - not only are you still drunk, but you're also half poisoned and sleep-deprived too. Plus you're in a terrible moode with a banging headache, and like you said, distracted by the dire need to throw up and shit yourself too.

Utterly stupid.

funny thing said...

Absolute agreement from this corner of the office.
I used to drive to work every day, well over the (alcohol) limit.

Now I've grown up and I just concentrate on *stretching* the other one. That's okay, obviously.

Tina. Don't argue.

garfer said...

One of those home breathalisers would be useful for the morning after.
Failing that, breathing on a loved one should give a fair indication.

Sniffy said...

Well, I speed on dual carriageways and motorways, but try very hard not to in urban areas. If I hit somebody while going forty and they died, but knew that they'd have survived if I was going 30, then I'd be pretty gutted. Let's face it though, if you have an accident at 70, you're just as likely to die as if you had one at 80, 90, 100.

I think it's easier to tell when you're over the limit in the morning than you think. If you feel tired, dehydrated and fuzzy headed (which admittedly I do when I wake up, but it wears off), then you probably shouldn't be driving.

garfer said...

Everybody speeds on the motorway. I do 80-85 along with everybody else.

Stick to 70 and you drive along inhaling the deisel fumes from trucks.

Faltanus said...

ummm...excuse me, you left out the part about getting your wing wang squeezed. what about that? i want to know more.

Sniffy said...

Perhaps a good test of somebody's state of inhebriation would be to see if you could persuade them to give you a blow job by pretending that you were a copper and that your wing wang was the breathalyser.

garfer said...

An imaginative suggestion Tina, but I think most policemens helmets are likely to remain unmolested.
Faltanus. The post title is a quote from your compatriot P J O'Rourke. I'm sure he knows much more about that kind of thing than I do.

pissoff said...

I just have to agree. No drinking and driving.

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