Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Skullduggery and Theft




I can’t deny it, I’m a thief; a felon with no respect or regard for the property of others. Every Christmas I sneak out with a bush saw, select a small spruce tree belonging to the Forestry Commission, and fell it.

Nobody has ever reported my theft of Crown property, which is a bloody good thing, as all the people I know locally also steal their Christmas trees. I would ask all of you who are tempted to condemn my crime outright to consider the following mitigating factors:

1) The real Christmas trees for sale at retail outlets are invariably shite. They are all
wonky and misshapen with one side bigger than the other. In short, they look crap.

2) These trees are usually at least a week old before they are sold. The pine needles
are all dried up and will fall on the carpet given the first whiff of radiator.

I know that my position is indefensible in strict legal terms, but I feel that I’ve done enough for society over the years for this slight transgression of the law to be forgivable. If it wasn’t for me paying taxes to ensure that the Government can make sure that children can’t read and write properly, and provide people with a bit of a sore leg with free cars, the whole country would fall to wrack and ruin.

11 comments:

surly girl said...

ooh! living outside the law, are we?

i really can't bring myself to care about you stealing a tree. it's only a little tree, after all.

still, if you get caught you'll probably go to prison for twenty years. next year, why not try getting drunk and running one over? you'll get off with a fine and a couple of points on your licence.

surly girl said...

oh bugger, forgot...

yay! i was first!!

and second.

garfer said...

The local plod is a cannabis smoker. I know this, so the law can't touch me.

I am such a rebel.

suburban wonder said...

Why is it that I find your blatant disregard for authority dead sexy? I always had a soft spot for the bad boy...

Wyndham said...

I hope you put the tree back afterwards, though.

garfer said...

I am the snake hipped personification of glamourous evil and irresistable sexual charisma (I wish).

Betty said...

So you are basically Jim Morrison reincarnated. I bet he nicked a few Christmas trees in his time.

garfer said...

More Jimmy Saville than Jim Morrison...if that kind of thing lights your fire.

Sniffy said...

Jesus, just when you think you couldn't be any more jealous of him, he pulls this one out of the hat.

I hate you Garfer.

funny thing said...

Since when was nicking trees sexy?
I missed that one, I do things like wash my armpits and change my underwear every few days.

Sheesh.

garfer said...

You have much to learn in the ways of seduction.