Skullduggery and Theft

I can’t deny it, I’m a thief; a felon with no respect or regard for the property of others. Every Christmas I sneak out with a bush saw, select a small spruce tree belonging to the Forestry Commission, and fell it.

Nobody has ever reported my theft of Crown property, which is a bloody good thing, as all the people I know locally also steal their Christmas trees. I would ask all of you who are tempted to condemn my crime outright to consider the following mitigating factors:

1) The real Christmas trees for sale at retail outlets are invariably shite. They are all
wonky and misshapen with one side bigger than the other. In short, they look crap.

2) These trees are usually at least a week old before they are sold. The pine needles
are all dried up and will fall on the carpet given the first whiff of radiator.

I know that my position is indefensible in strict legal terms, but I feel that I’ve done enough for society over the years for this slight transgression of the law to be forgivable. If it wasn’t for me paying taxes to ensure that the Government can make sure that children can’t read and write properly, and provide people with a bit of a sore leg with free cars, the whole country would fall to wrack and ruin.