Thursday, June 22, 2006

Hotel California



I hope that Herge Smith, the creative genius behind Angry Chimp, is looking forward to his impending trip to damp and drizzly Scotland. His accommodation will be provided by the Garfer International Vacation and Leisure Conglomerate; a long established and highly respected institution which has obtained many plaudits from satisfied customers over the years.

I have very generously allowed Herge a blogger discount in respect of his accommodation. Of course, given my love of smackeroonies, he will fully accept that certain small compromises have had to be made in the quality of accommodation to be provided.

I am sure that he will find the sheds perfectly acceptable. The shed on the right has been specifically designed with the needs of miniature daschunds in mind. Containing as it does several rusty old saws, a dismantled outboard motor, and several open containers of Round Up super strength weed killer, I am sure that the pooches will feel at home.

The main accommodation is provided by the central shed. This is salubriously appointed with two broken down television sets, a rusty old fridge freezer, and a mildewed king size mattress the edges of which have been energetically chewed by mice. Instead of a shower, a small hole in the roof provides a constant and refreshing supply of rain water.

Some of my guests who have stayed in the shed have enjoyed themselves so much that they haven’t been able to leave. I keep them in cages in the shed on the left, and sometimes feed them when I remember….which isn’t very often. It’s nice to know that they are there. I get lonely sometimes and it’s nice to pop up to the shed and have a chat.

24 comments:

S.I.D. said...

Is that the middle shed where ewe know who sleeps?

garfer said...

Just drink your scotch and lay off the puns.

I suppose you have to make do with inflatable sheep.

Herge Smith said...

To be honest, it's more than I was expecting.

Kinda like Texas Chainsaw Hoohah but set in Scotland?

garfer said...

I might give them a lick of paint, if I get round to it.

Don't worry, not many leather faces in these parts.

S.I.D. said...

Think Deliverance Herge

Herge Smith said...

Oh gawd! It's gonna be one of those things where I think this is a joke and I get there and Garfer says "there you go". And it's the same as the pic.

Feel nervous now.

garfer said...

Compulsory white water rafting on Monday.

I wouldn't venture ashore if I were you.

Sniffy said...

Does it smell of old blood and offal?

It looks simply luxurious! I wish I was going, but I have to go to Canada. Shame.

garfer said...

Canadians are fine, but they say 'eh' a lot.

And the beers rubbish.

Don't spend too long in Vancouver. You'll end up emigrating.

Wyndham said...

Why is it, Garfer, that I always imagine your own accomodation as looming over your own vacatiuon resort in much the same way that the Bates residence looms over the Motel. This post has done nothing to change my mind.

garfer said...

I loom Wyndham, I loom.

And I have hidden cameras installed in all the lodges so I can stamp out inappropriate shenanigans before they get out of hand.

I have several Hungarian minders short of brain but big on brawn who ensure that all rules are fully complied with.

Sniffy said...

I'm getting about 2 days in Vancouver and I'm sure I want to emigrate already, so god knows how I'll feel once I actually see it.

I too want to come and stay in one of your cabins; it looks a divine part of the world. You are very lucky.

garfer said...

The sheds are fully booked at the moment.

I suppose I could do you a portacabin, if you're interested.

First Nations said...

Gary Nilsen was also well known for his hospitality towards single men looking for a nice time.

gosh. wasn't Gary Nilsen a Scot?
how close are you to Fraserburgh, garfy?

herge: run.

Arabella said...

I thought this was really funny till you mentioned the cameras....

Herge, please send postcards. And mind the wasps.

pissoff said...

Don't forget to get a picture of garfer and post it seeings he trys to maintain his anonymity (did I spell that correctly?). Pictures Herge, pictures. I'll send you more salmon.

I never say "eh."

funny thing said...

Eh?

I'm thinking of renting out the gap between my sofa and the radiator (which the landlord will switch back on in October), if anyone is interested in a luxurious Welsh Holiday.

Sniffy said...

I thought Canadians said "huh" alot. And "anyhoo". I hope I pick up an accent while I'm there. A couple of months ago, I'd have been looking to pick up something else in a Vancouver bar, but an accent will suffice now. Easy to please, me.

Convict said...

If you turfed over the drive/road you could rent them out as mountain chalets quite easily. Just needs Heidi prancing around in front.

Herge Smith said...

Sorry sorry, but Garfer clearly has a reason for maintaining a sense of 'mystery'.

In fact he's already emailed me to say he will pass the keys for the shed through a little hatch in his door, whilst crying out 'look away from me! look away!'.

Should be interesting. Although I'm guessing he actually looks EXACTLY like the little fella on Tunnocks Teacakes boxart.

Arabella - postcards, no - cries for help - maybe.

Steve said...

It's times like this I'm glad I already live in Scotland and don't have to visit.

Thankyou for reinforcing my feeling of homely national pride!

Kyahgirl said...

nice lilacs eh?

at least it will smell nice by the sheds....unless garfer piles up the offal there too!

MHN for short said...

Some of my guests who have stayed in the shed have enjoyed themselves so much that they haven’t been able to leave. I keep them in cages in the shed on the left, and sometimes feed them when I remember….which isn’t very often. It’s nice to know that they are there. I get lonely sometimes and it’s nice to pop up to the shed and have a chat.

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave! Ha Ha!

Rowan said...

:D
what a generous host you are!