Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Princess of Poo.

Everyone has to have an interest in life. Serial killing, bird watching, naked sky diving, stamp collecting, sushi preparation, and cat torturing all have their individual merits, but I’ve yet to meet anyone who takes conspicuous pleasure in poking about in other peoples poo.

Dr Gillian McKeith, midget nutritionist, is convinced that the source of all dietary maladies may be determined by poking about in faeces with a spatula. I’m not an expert in the field of nutrition, but this approach strikes me as having about as much scientific merit as water divination using a two pronged stick.

I was listening to Dr Gillian on the radio this morning. She was asked if she enjoyed her poo poking activities. She replied that it all depended whose poo she was examining (ha, ha). This left me mystified. I bow to no man in my admiration of the lovely Uma Thurman and the exquisitely lipped Angelina Jolie, but I would have to politely decline if offered the chance to stir their rectal excretions with a spoon. Even the offer of £100K to make a TV series about my discoveries would leave me unmoved.

Dr Gillian has a PhD from Penn State University (or so she claims), so there can be no question about her educational bona fides. Maybe poo stirring is the way to go, and I’m sure that there will be many learned articles in the Scientific American concerning the subject.

There can be no suggestion that she is not utterly genuine. The fact that she is an attention seeking peroxide blonde dwarf with the most irritating trans Atlantic accent this side of Lloyd Grossman is completely beside the point.

As the Joan Rivers (without the wit) of Poo, Gillian deserves full respect. As such, I intend to send her some of my post chicken madras poo in a Jiffy bag. I bet she’ll be dead chuffed.


Wyndham said...

I always like the way she puts on a white coat to do the dirty deed. Very professional. But I would still rather examine the contents of Mz Thurman and Mrs Jolie's Pitt than some of the obese, spotty, beer-bellied chav denizens of various council estates across the UK.

MHN for short said...

"would leave me unmoved."

Too true!!! I'd be un-moved as well. Don't even want to go there.

chelsea merz said...


I work for a public radio show, www.radioopensource.org. We would like permission to read from your blog, the post "Firebombing the Scottish Parliament." Please email me and I'll further explain the context in which we would read from your blog. For a hint please visit:

Many thanks, Chelsea

Sniffy said...

She's a tit. She blames the world's dietary woes on yeast and anything that has ever come into contact with yeast.

This means that all we're allowed to consume is grass.

Fuck that. Who wants to be a size smaller and to live a few years more if you have to exist in the same fashion as a dairy cow.

Stupid bitch.

garfer said...

Yes, and Scottish with it.

The land that founded scientific empiricism is now producing this kind of charlatan.

God help us all.

Wyndham said...

Garfer, looks like you're going to be a star of US radio!

funny thing said...

Wow, garfer, you're gonna be famous!

This must surely be another step closer to your ambition of being king.

(My favourite kind of poo is polka-dot poo)

garfer said...

They are just after my secret Molotov cocktail recipe. Either that or the suitcase H bomb I'm constructing in my lock up.

What's a polka-dot poo. Sorry, stupid question.

S.I.D. said...

I once left a rather large poo in a field on Rathlin Island.

Locals still talk about it to this day.

pissoff said...

I once had to take a stool sample from my daughter. It make me gag and I almost hurled.

What's up with that Garf... no one ever asks to read from my blog.

funny thing said...

Polka-dot poo is exactly that. Polka-dot.

For black and yellow it can be created by eating spinach and sweetcorn. For black and red, spinach and kidney beans.

The possibilities are endless and the results are well worth the effort ;)

MHN for short said...

This conversation has gone down the toilet.

Soz, couldn't help meself.

suburban wonder said...

Eeeeeuuuuuuw! After hearing that, I'm thinking seriously about colonic irrigation. I don't want anyone messing about in my poo.

Kyahgirl said...

this completely grosses me out. I think you can actually tell alot about a person's health etc from the scientific study of their excrement but this 'reality TV, lets make loads of money from it' really is disgusting.

First Nations said...

oh geeze.
i watch my grandson, yo.
you want poo?
polkadotted, striped, splatty, houndstooth check; hell, we've GOT poo she can dig around it.
ill woman. ill.

Rowan said...