Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner.

I was a good cross country runner as kid. This may have had something to do with my reedy frame: my ribcage exposed like an anorexic glockenspiel. I must have had large lungs though, as I left all the fat tossers gasping in my wake. The lard arses tried short cuts and everything but they still couldn’t catch me.

It’s a good thing that I was good at cross country because I was utterly shite at all other sports; particularly the team ones. I was hopeless at football. I could dribble around in circles for ages but as regards passing the ball or heading it I was decidedly sub normal. I didn’t mind cricket so much: at least I could mooch around as a fielder, crushing insects with my shoes and fantasising about Michelle Sparks in her tight running shorts.

Rugby was perdition. Our games master was a perverted little sadist who delighted in making us play rugby when there was a good two inches of permafrost. He also enjoyed whipping our bare arses with a wet towel when we emerged from the showers. He liked to play gospel songs on his acoustic guitar and was a big cheese in the local Pentecostal church. These days he’d be arrested by the paedo police and incarcerated for a good ten years, but no one had heard of that sort of thing in those days.

Thankfully I grew up. The consumption of beer and burgers bulked out my frame somewhat and I discovered the joys of hanging around snooker halls all afternoon.

If I tried cross country running these days I’d need to carry an inhaler and an oxygen tank.

19 comments:

S.I.D. said...

I was absolute shite at cross country running, in fact most sports.

I would just watch by the sidelines and chat up the girls. I once won a medal for the breast stroke though.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I knew SID would be shite.

SID - something to do with your weight, I imagine. I think a diet would do you more good than running.

The only medal I'd ever win is for heatstroke.

I was fairly good at rugby in my youthful days though.

chelsea merz said...

Greetings,

I work for a public radio show, www.radioopensource.org. We would like permission to read from your blog, the post "Firebombing the Scottish Parliament." Please email me and I'll further explain the context in which we would read from your blog. For a hint please visit:
http://www.radioopensource.org/blogsday-2006/

Many thanks, Chelsea

pissoff said...

I was a crap runner. I was tall and lanky and terribly uncoordinated. However, having said that I was pretty good at team sports - all but football that is. When the coach put me in nets my career ended.

So Garfer...what's up with Chelsea? C'mon fill us it.

You know, I got the same offer from FT the other day... I think I'll take her up on it.

Rowan said...

I HATE ALL SPORTS - EQUALLLY

Rowan said...

OH BUT I WAS OK AT CROSS COUNTRY AND I DO LIKE BALLROOM DANCE, DOES THAT COUNT FOR ANTYHING?

garfer said...

Chelsea is providing me with an all expenses paid trip to Boston. It's nice to see my blogging genius recognised at long last.

Ballroom dancing is a bit energetic for my liking, I prefer playing pool.

Kyahgirl said...

I could never run very far as a kid even though I participated for years in 'running' sports. found out I had asthma. Oh well, I'm sure the two pack a day I was smoking didn't help either.

Thanks for placing your pin on my guest map, I had no idea you were so far north. I should introduce you to my friend who lives in Iceland :-)

Kyahgirl said...

she's a penguin though, you don't mind do you?

MHN for short said...

Yep, that's how I felt the first time I tried to play soccer. I thought I was gonna die.

pissoff said...

Seriously Garf.... Boston? or are you just yanking my chain? Do you think you'll have sex (with Chelsea that is)?

Arabella said...

Running is so undignified. And as for shorts.....

funny thing said...

Obviously my blogging genius was recognised first.
They wanted to read my post, 'Throwing tin cans and almost grazing someone which wasn't very nice, at the Scottish Parliament' but I turned them down and pointed them in your direction, garf.

I'd need a taxi to go more than 100yds.
Or a structurally sound cantilever-style bra and the promise of beer at the other end.

garfer said...

I was chain yanking April.

The only all expenses paid trip I'm lkely to go on is one to the mortuary.

Sniffy said...

I tried cross country once while I was at school and I was shit at it that I was let off for life. Simply awful.

I was totally crap at any type of sport and PE lessons were pure torture. They'd have been bearable had we been allowed to play snooker or pool.

You've been spotted Garfer. At last, at last! There is hope that somebody normal might become our Prime Minister. Oh let us rejoice.

pissoff said...

What about the sex Garfer? Do you think you'll still have sex with her?

garfer said...

Well, obviously she'll be after my superb genes, but being royalty I can afford to pick and choose.

Wyndham said...

I used to be quite good at cross-country - when I was a youngster - but now i get bored before I've got my second trainer on.

Tell Rowan to stop shouting.

S.I.D. said...

Maybe its sex in a Chelsea top Garfer desires?