Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Silly Season

The silly season is definitely underway when the quality newspapers (no Daily Mail readers, you do not read a quality newspaper) start including stories about Tasmanian Devils (lack of), Tom Cruise being of Welsh descent, and ‘Why oh why do the Scots hate the English?’.

Why it should take a newspaper article to draw attention to the fact that Cruise is a closet Welshman beats me. His obvious dwarfism can only result from a genetic inheritance provided by diminutive valley dwellers or, failing that, a throwback to a vigorous conversation between a Bronwen and an in season pit pony. Scientology obviously holds a special appeal for the short of stature, allowing them to aspire to the stars without resorting to a step ladder.

As for the Scots hate the English bollocks; I think we can all do without tosspot politicians and ignorant newspaper columnists using a few reprehensible instances of anglophobia to claim that there is a widespread dislike of the English. Five hundred thousand English people live in Scotland. If they were constantly being bashed about the head with Irn Bru bottles I imagine they would choose to live somewhere else

On a lighter note, blogging genius Herge Smith is staying with me at the moment. He is enjoying himself, drinking beer, and going on hiking expeditions into the untamed wilderness. Actually, that’s a lie. He is sticking to well sign posted paths with gentle gradients, the short legs of his miniature daschunds struggling in his wake. He does look exceptionally gay sitting in the pub with a small pooch on his lap, but he hasn’t been beaten up yet.

Tina Cakesniffer is about to venture to the blasted wilderness of British Columbia, where vicious wolverines prowl with evil in mind, and the locals call a kebab a kabob.
God help her. If the plane doesn’t crash she will be devoured by a grizzly. Salford is much safer; but some people just won’t be told. Gawd help her.


Piggy and Tazzy said...

Gawd help us if she survives the trip.

Herge is sat with a small dog on his lap? And you didn't snap a pic? Not even when it was sniffing his crotch?

Can't you arrange for someone to beat him up? Just a little bit?

Oh and Yay! First!

suburban wonder said...


Oi! Any conversation between me and/or any of my putative antecedents and a pit pony must be considered alleged, unfounded, and therefore unproven. I fear you have mistaken me with a brazen hussy to the north and her blazing passion for donkeys.

Tom Cruise Welsh? Oh, please God, haven't the Welsh suffered enough? I can't possibly claim shared ancestry with that talentless insane midget.

First Nations said...

....and only the dogs returned.
*standing by with a prybar and a bottle of pine-sol*

S.I.D. said...

Have you got your banjo out for Herge yet Garfer?

That's the musical type instrument ala Deliverance.

garfer said...

I need to find a stunted child with three eyes and a hunchback SID.

Perhaps one of the earth angels would fit the bill. If so, dispatch one pronto. I'll supply the banjo.

funny thing said...

The Welsh are NOT SHORT.
It's a perspective thing, we're all just a very, very long way away.


Piggy and Tazzy said...

SID's boy earthangels have three eyes!

Unless there's some henetic abnormality, which wouldn't be a surprise in the slightest.

They all have club feet, you know. Sniffy told me so.

pissoff said...

I betcha Sniffy will be aboot ready for a kebob when she arrives here in the Great White NOrth.

MHN for short said...

I thought that all males had three eyes. I could have bben wrong...

Rowan said...

so...i'm confused...did you know herge irl before you started blogging? wow!

GreatSheElephant said...

hmm. When I lived in Scotland, no-one actually told me to piss off back to England (apart from my husband that is) but I did get told on a fairly regular basis how much the Scots hated the English and what bastards we (and therefore presumably I) were. All in jest no doubt, but not pleasant to hear nonetheless. All and any efforts to make friends with Scots were rebuffed too.

Now why is it I want to move back, I wonder?