Thursday, June 08, 2006

Politics

I’ve never been a political animal. In my experience people’s political opinions count for zilch: after all, everyone thinks that their own farts smell sweet. I do make an exception where rabid Nazis (BNP) or unreconstructed fucktard Trots (Scottish Socialist Party, George Galloway) are concerned, but apart from that I say each to their own. They may be imbeciles with the intellectual capacity of an anorexic gnat, but I am pleased that they are allowed to voice their opinions in a loud and vociferous fashion.

I’ve met committed socialists who haven’t bought anyone a drink in their lives, and bampot torys who would shelter a homeless vagrant and lend them their last pound coin. A cunt is a cunt, whatever their political persuasion.

Britain used to be littered with MP’s who enjoyed a personal vote. This was generally because they raised hell on behalf of their constituents and didn’t give a monkeys fuck about personal political advancement. Unfortunately this rare and estimable breed has been driven to near extinction by the glossy ex Polytechnic educated Joe 90’s.

I’ve decided to stand for Parliament. I’m not attracted to the idea of standing as an independent as this suggests, to my mind, vague undertones of a cross between Norman Wisdom and David Bellamy.

I shall form the ‘Normal Party’. The only criteria for membership will be that normal people shall not apply for membership. I’ve already started to design the constituency office: it will have a full size snooker table, smoking booths, and a large lectern for my own personal use.

The world needs to hear what I have to say. If there were more people like me prepared to address the vital interests of the common man in a robust and forthright manner (not that I’m common) this world would be a happier and more inebriated place.

I can almost feel the ermine draping my shoulder blades.

12 comments:

funny thing said...

I think you should ban women from the office and grow your eyebrows.

garfer for king!

Sniffy said...

It would be such fun to start a political campaign going to get Garfer a seat a Westminster in the next election. If we started now, I'm sure we could do it.

All you need is a good campaign manager. Somebody eloquent, with good nouse, a reasonable and balanced nature. Can I do it please?

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I smile when I see you use the word 'cunt' - especially more than once.

Can we join the Normal Party too? We like fags (obviously) and snooker.

garfer said...

Only Lezza comrades (preferably bearded veggie ones) shall be entitled to sit on the Grand Presidium of Right Minded Folk.

pissoff said...

C'mon Garfer, hire Sniff. I say just do it, think of the blogging material you could get.

Oh, and I second that FT... Garfer for king.

Arabella said...

I'd vote for Norman Wisdom, but not David Bellamy because I can't imagine him losing his trousers on a train.
If Garfer were to lose his trousers on a train I have every confidence he would deal with the crisis effectively, like Norman did, but without Mr Grimsdale.

First Nations said...

you GO.
tell you what; come over here and be king. hell, be queen. queen AND king. at the same time.
americas first tranny leader!
that we know of.

Wyndham said...

Funnily enough, I spied a single dismal copy of the Morning Star in the newsagent today. Do people still buy that? It must have about as much relevance to modern Britain as Eagle Comic.

S.I.D. said...

I want to be your Minister for Cunture.

Herge Smith said...

Dan Dare not relevant!?! WHAT!!

With that chin, that education and a ton of chubby pals it's clear that he simply now goes by the name of Cameron. David.

Which makes anyone of about a dozen labour politicians The Mekon.

(although it could be MING).

Garfer - do you really want to spend time in London?

garfer said...

The King can decide where he wishes to hold court.

I favour Kirkwald, or perhaps Skegness.

MHN for short said...

Sounds good. Where do we sign up?