Friday, September 16, 2005

Professional Yorkshiremen


“Comin’ oop ‘ere wi’ yir smart suthurn ways.
Y’can go booger yirsel’. If y’don’t like it yi can fook off”


I’ve always been a fan of candour. Nothing is more irritating than oohers and aahers who won’t come straight to the point. Same with people who use euphemisms all the time: it’s not a ‘front bottom’, it’s a twat; just come out and say it for fuck’s sake.

The problem with professional Yorkshiremen is that they have turned a love of straight speaking into a fetish. They mistake pig ignorance for candour. Inverted snobs to a man, they hold no truck with ‘book learning’, and are contemptuous of anyone who doesn’t regard Yorkshire as the centre of the universe. They call a spade a spade because they can’t spell shovel. More than anything, they despise puffs: any male displaying the slightest hint of sensitivity is immediately classed as a ‘booger’.

Money for a professional Yorkshireman is ‘brass’. I had a boss from Yorkshire once whose favourite phrase was “ aye, but did you get the brass?”. A meaner bastard you could not have the misfortune to meet. He never bought anyone a drink, let alone a round. He drove an Austin Montego because it was a “reet good car”. His favourite pastime was Morris dancing. I don’t know if this is popular in Yorkshire, I can only assume that he was attracted by all those straps, buckles, and bells.

Thankfully the professional Yorkshireman doesn’t travel much, regarding all other parts of the country as puff and softy infested middens. They stay at home in God’s own county, shagging Brendas to ensure the survival of their kind.

If they ever find themselves abroad ( Maidenhead say, or Malvern) they will make a point of informing total strangers that they hail from Yorkshire. They will never, under any circumstances, leave a tip in a restaurant. As far as they are concerned the price on the menu is the price, the concept of a gratuity is completely alien.

All in all, they are miserable antediluvian bastards who are best avoided at all costs.
Still, I suppose they are marginally preferable to the Welsh.

19 comments:

Sniffy said...

You know, you're right? Having lived in Yorkshire for a fair proportion of my adult years, I have to agree with a lot of what you have written here. I note that you're referring to the "Pofessional Yorkshireman", similar in ilk to the "Professional Northerner" or "Professional Cockney" - none of them are particularly representative of folks from a region, but they live as a stereotype - with bells on. Cunts the lot of them. Cunts with chips on their shoulders.

There's nothing I hate more than "I call a spade a spade", which is just some bastards' excuse for being insensitive and insulting. "I see as i find" Grrrr

The Welsh aren't intelligent enough to live up to stereotypes, mainly because they're really all like that.

garfer said...

It's strange how some people are perfectly happy to live out every regional cliche going. they claim 'it's in the blood'. Wankers.
It's really just a form of cultural cringe. Ignorance as a from of self protection.

Sniffy said...

I think people like that are generally quite insecure in themselves if they have to use an adopted identity as a crutch or a veil.

Wankers.

garfer said...

Tthe Australians have a thing called the 'tall poppy sydronme'.
Knock anyone who rises too far above their station, or spurns cultural norms and achieves success

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Ceri said...

Isn't crass generalisations about about a whole race somewhat distastful? Will you be making any comments about Muslims? thought not.

garfer said...

Ceri,

I'm from Ireland so i'm used to abuse. You Welshies get off lightly.
Anyway, I was joking.

Sniffy said...

Do you think Ceri is Welsh? I can make generalisatons if you like. I can generalise about the Ock Nock Nooks, and my grandfather was Scottish. I generalise about Italians, and I am one. I generalise most about the French, because they're a bunch of twats. And if I want to generalise about nutcase muslims, I will - the same way I generalise about nutcase Baptists. If people can't take either a) a joke, or b) legitimate criticism, then they need to take a strong hard look at themselves.

Wankers.

garfer said...

Spiffingly well said Sniffer. Couldn't have put it better meself.

suburban wonder said...

Oi, Ceri,
It's just Garfer! Chill!

MHN - my brother's an Owen. He's a twat most of the time. Sorry.

My only exposure to the Yorkshire Man is watching Brassed Off! or old reruns of Ground Force when Alan Titchmarsh was on it (although, he doesn't seem like a typical Yorkshireman). Would the Full Monty count? Is Sheffield in Yorkshire?

Bronwen (choosing to ignore the Welsh comment...)

garfer said...

Titchmarsh must die. He is a courdoroy monster with the most irritating voice in the universe.
I don't hate the Welsh really. Just the ones with moustaches (which is most of them, admittedly).

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I've always referred to a 'front bottom' as a 'cunt'. Striaght to the point and colourful too (no not that colour!

Thankfully, only one half us the Tazzy and Piggy duo is a Yorkshireman (Tazzy) - Cute Wee Me (Piggy) is a wee highlander. Cute, sweet, innocent, adorable, lovely, charming, loveable, huggable, etc etc.

We like it here. We'll be back!

garfer said...

Cunt is an excellent word. Cuntface and cuntfeatures are two of my favourites.

Sniffy said...

I like it here too Garfer, that's why I keep coming back. I like the look of Piggy and Tazzy as well, they look ace.

garfer said...

I came across them over at Rowan's. They look identical. Scary stuff.

Herge Smith said...

I do know a Yorkshire man that often hangs out in Malvern.

Your description fits perfectly.

Give the Yorkies a good kicking, they deserve it.

When I lived in Brighton and was working in the civil service I got was promoted and asked to work in the week in the Sheffield office. First day on the job 2, not one but 2 people independently said -

"Where ya from?"

"Brighton"

"So you're a poof then?"

What a bunch of cunts they were.

Hello? Ceri? What the hell is she doing here?

Not the same one, I'm sure.

I take it she doesn't mind you having a pop at Yorkies though... just don't touch the Welsh.

pissoff said...

I used to shag a Yorshireman years ago. He was from Goole. He was "nice."

Rowan said...

I liked your generalizations, though being as I've never been to any region of the UK, so have no basis for comparison or true LOL understanding of these terms, but nonetheless, the were funny

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