Wednesday, October 05, 2005

That joke isn't funny anymore.


I hate jokes. When I say jokes, I mean the interminable ones that drawl on and on, only to finish with a punch line that is completely lame or just wasn’t worth the effort of the build up.

Only incredibly boring people tell this type of joke. They usually have an infinite store of them, and are completely oblivious to the fact that they are boring the tits off everyone they encounter. Perhaps that’s why I don’t go to the pub much these days; there’s bound to be at least one twat that thinks he’s Dave Allen.

The problem is that you have to be polite to them. You’ve just been having a nice chat about quantum physics or whatever when suddenly, without warning, they launch into a joke about a polecat and a tambourine. You can’t really tell them to fuck off, and walk away: anyway, it might be their round. It’s best to give the impression that you are listening intently, and chuckle vigorously when they stop speaking.

I much prefer people who use one liners; the likes of Seinfeld say. The storytellers who go off on tangents are ok too. These types of joke are best left to the professionals, the rest of us are lucky if we come up with a few genuine witticisms in the course of a lifetime.

18 comments:

Sniffy said...

"Tell 'im 'Mau-Mau'"

Those long-winded jokes are the type of crappy things that you get sent in forwarded e-mails. The types of things with lots of bad formatting and >

>separators
>>>>that
>>>really
>>get

>>>>on

>>your tits.

Scroll down to the end, it's worth it..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>fucking idiot, you know it never is.

garfer said...

Yeah, The League.
I was just following on from your post on email jokes. You just can't escape the fuckers.

S.I.D. said...

FW: FW: FW: Name me one decent comedian today?

Sad to say I did laugh at Pig and Taz though.

Wyndham said...

Anecdotes are worse. You just know that funny things that happen to other people are going to be tedious beyond belief. And if more than one person is telling it, then your whole night is fucked. You might as well drink up and get out.

garfer said...

Yeah anecdotes, apochryphal tales, tall stories. You can keep 'em.

S.I.D. said...

In fact, just say fuck all and drink.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I agree with coldcoldearth. I just drink until the world is funny.

And 'sad to say'? Cheeky cunt. :)

Merkin said...

Agreed - but isn't that former Welsh rugby player Jonathon Edwards in the photo? Erm - why? Is that the punchline to one of those shaggy dog stories?

garfer said...

I think I am icredibly amusing and funny when pissed. In fact, I am an utter twat.
The picture is of Jonathon Edwards. The character next to him looks like the archetypal pub bore.
He looks familiar from somewhere, but I can't quite place him. Maybe he's on kid's tv, or he's one of those dire northern comedians.

Sniffy said...

Anecdotes are far worse than anything. My idea of hell is being in Asda with somebody bombarding me with "amusing" anecdotes.

Jesus, some people have no idea how fucking boring they are.

garfer said...

Not like us eh? We are incredibly witty, vivacious, entertaining individuals. We just don't get the credit we deserve. Some people are just so unappreciative. Tsk.

Merkin said...

I meant Jonathan Davies, not Edwards, sorry (way too early to blog!). Is the bloke behind the bar Al Murray - TV's not very funny "Pub Landlord"?

Anonymous said...

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why sheshould
go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're
the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and
gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel
says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to
me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

"but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big
they are.

joker said...

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why sheshould
go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're
the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and
gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel
says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to
me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

"but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big
they are.

garfer said...

Yes, that's Jonathon Davies. Who the fuck's Jonathon Edwards anyway? Isn't he that hop, skip and jump bloke?
Dedfinitely not Al Murray. Just a lookalike.

garfer said...

Thanks for sharing that anonymous. Twice!

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Anonymous only told it once. Joker told it the second time.

*pedantic Pigster*

Rowan said...

yeah, I like slapstick myself, Benny Hill, Charlie Chaplin, and the Three Stooges type humour. course, my favourite "long winded joke" would still be "who's on first"