Wednesday, October 01, 2008

The Undead

I have just purchased a notebook computer from one of the undead. I don't make a habit of buying stuff from pasty faced vampires, but after a good 30 minutes spent flailing my arms and pleading for assistance from various acned bum fluff upper lipped 'sales' assistants I couldn't be choosy about who to grace with my plastic.

Computer salesmen aren't really up on the finer points of the customer/provider nexus, probably because they spent their formative years masturbating over grainy images of Pamela Anderson on low res monitors. Either that or they were too engrossed in endless online role play gaming sessions to master the intricacies of real world interaction with flesh and blood people.

Mr Moonface the Vampire obviously hadn't had a sniff of vitamin D in the last decade or so. To look unhealthier he would have to have been brought up in a cellar and fed on pork scratchings and Irn Bru. I suspect that he must have been, judging from the wide range of facial and bodily tics that he displayed.

I'm beginning to think that PC World must recruit their staff from the pool of ex mortuary attendants who have been dismissed for displaying necrophiliac tendencies. Perhaps next time I visit I'll dole out some fake tanning cream, just to drop a subtle hint.


Bollix said...

Irn Bru.. the elixir of life. Unless of course it isn't the world famous Barr's own make.

Irn Bru has been known to cure hangovers, smallpox, erectile dysfunction, acne, bad breath, and of course is a super companion to the rather wonderful range of products available from that wonderful Mr Tunnock.

If you read the small print nestled discreetly on the blue panel of the can itself, you will see that it states quite clearly:
Not to ge given to employees of PC World.

Not evn Irn Bru can cure the living dead.

garfer said...

Irn Bru is also very popular in Russia, where they use it as a colourful mixer for their 100% proof vodka.

Reports claim that vodka is a major killer in Russia, but I suspect that it's the Irn Bru that's killing them off.

The Irn Bru may also be the underlying cause of recent Russian bellicosity.

MJ said...

Irn Bru.

*adds to list of UK "cuisine" I haven't tried yet. along with haggis and Tunnocks Teacakes*

KAZ said...

Yeah - but I bet your vampire didn't tell you to 'Have a Nice Day' did he?

Be thankful for small mercies.

garfer said...


Stick to your poutine.


People who say 'have a nice day' need punching.

Anonymous said...

wotta stupid fukkin' kuhnt you are, don't you realise the Bush family and all their fukkin' croanies are the biggest fukkin' mass murders?! Twat!

Anonymous said...

Ah have nae idea whot that last comment wuz about. However, it is true. BUT ah whuid niver make the mistake of buying ANY computer part, be it animal vegetable or mineral from they cunts.. They takes yer money and fuck the support...