Friday, August 26, 2005

Born to be Bald

Getting older is something which people used to do in a dignified fashion. There was a general acceptance that behaving and looking like a total twat was an activity best left to those too young to know better.
These days everyone seems to be chanting the 'fifty is the new thirty' mantra. No it fucking isn't; fifty remains fifty, whatever the style gurus in the colour supplements tell you.
All this grey power guff really gets on my tits. There are a lot of them, and they've got most of the money; but that doesn't mean that the rest of us should have to tolerate their misguided attempts to appear at the cutting edge of fashion and lifestyle trends.
There is nothing more cringe inducing than a male in his late fifties sporting a pony tail and goatee beard. At this late stage in life he has decided to rediscover his lost youth by purchasing a FUCKING BIG MOTORBIKE.
The last motorbike he rode was a 50cc Honda in 1972. No matter: he regards himself as perfectly competent to go out and buy a brand new 1200cc Honda Fireblade that can do 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. To go with the bike, he naturally invests in the most expensive leather gear that he can find.
No matter that his addled brain has half the reaction time of his twenty year old self. He is perfectly happy to live out his James Dean fantasies and hurtle about like a maniac on amphetamine. He no doubt imagines that he looks cool and rugged. In reality he looks like a leather clad, orange juice drinking, homosexualist.
The only redeeming feature of the born again biker is their short life expectancy. Within a couple of years they are usually sandwiched between a couple of 40 ft trailers. This leaves a nice fat life insurance pay out for their bored wives.
Now I quite like older women; particularly the ones with fat bank accounts. I suppose I should become a gigolo and take up with one or two. That way I could afford a new moped. Then again, mopeds were for mods; there's nothing sadder than an ageing git in a parka riding about on a Vespa.

16 comments:

Sniffy said...

Well, I've reached my peak and I'll hit the downwards slide from Monday. How should I start dressing? Should I do something different with my hair, or perhaps even get my specs out and ditch the contact.

Some people have no dignity at any age. The people who dress and act like twats when they're in their fifites, probably acted like twats during each of their previous decades. Some people are just twats, sorry, I meant twots.

MHN for short said...

As I quote all scooterists around the world; "IT NOT A DAMN MOPED!!"

A moped has peddles a scooter does not. Don't let Dave hear you calling a scooter a moped...

I still love ya garf!!

:-D

Wyndham said...

I don't want to look a complete tool by buying myself a moterbike or some such foolsih contraption, or putting blond streaks in my hair or wearing the garb of a Masai Warrior, which is why I have been very carefully working on my mid-life crisis since the age of 25. Get it in early and then get the cardigan out in your mid-40s is what I say.

garfer said...

Tina
It's the ready availability of labeled sportswear and cheap Argos bling that causes most of the fashion disasters.
I am not quite ready to buy a pair of elasticated Littlewoods jeans, but no way am I wearing a skinny rib T Shirt with FCUK or PORN STAR emblazoned across the front. That is strictly twot attire.
mhn
Point taken. Any offence which I may have caused those of the scooterish persuasion is profoundly regretted.
Wyndham
Go for the cardy with the leather arm patches and take up the pipe. You can pretend you are a sociologist or something

Rowan said...

thank you michelle! I am glad someone knows the difference (drove a Honda Elite for a while) and I sure do miss it.

Best thing about scooters is, you get to be a biker without the badboy image. You can enjoy the ride for the ride's sake, not rumble away with a broken muffler (done on purpose) so that you think you can impress the 20 somethings in the car beside you while yourself and your 50 year old ponytail grin thinking you've still got it when in fact, you never did...you are pathetic sirs.

garfer said...

Glad to see that you have a healthy prejudice against elderly bikers. Tosspots.

MHN for short said...

Most of the "elderly" bikers around here are doctors and lawyers riding their Harley Davidson status symbols. Wanking idiotic tosspotting posers!

MHN for short said...

Garf~
Dave has a lapel pin that says "IT NOT A DAMN MOPED!!" with a picture of a vespa styled scooter next to it. He reads Scootering magazine and they always have referrences to people calling scooters mopeds. Just thought I'd yank your chain abit. You take it well. Good man!

garfer said...

Damn it all, I'm going to buy a pedal scooter and SCOOT about on it to my hearts content.

Sniffy said...

rqesccYou see? I careless moment, the use of one wrong word and a whole diplomatic incident kicks off!

MHN for short said...

You're up early tina... or is it late???

MHN for short said...

Garf~
When you do, I want to see pictures!!

Faltanus said...

garf i promise, no moped comments....but um...."leather clad, orange juice drinking, homosexualist"? well, i'm only 39, so i'll try not to take it personally. wow. i'm often leather clad, i drink orange juice and the last....well, yeah i fit that one too.

garfer said...

Nothing homophobic intended Faltunus. It's just that the leather clad, big moustache, 'Village People', butch biker stuff looks ridiculous on old geezers.

pissoff said...

Garf...

You reallly got the comments flowing with this post.

All I want to say is "My Brother in Law!"

garfer said...

Subject him to a severe slapping and refer to him as a fucktard tosspot at every oppurtunity.
He'll soon get the message.