THE HOLY SACRAMENTSister April Pissoff, new acolyte at the Temple of Cakesniffer, has expressed an interest in cultural artefacts and practices pertaining to the ancient and holy land of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
As mother lode of the Cult of the Cakesniffer, this venerated kingdom has much to offer the new devotee. Sister Pissoff may be interested in partaking of the holy sacrament that is the Tunnocks Tea Cake. This estimable confection has been central to Cakesnifferdom for millennia. Its origins are uncertain, but it is believed to originate from Uddingston, Scotland. There may also be connections with Roslyn Chapel, Fife; ancient and last redoubt of the Knights Templar. Some even claim that the tea cake originated in the middle east, and that the recipe was carried back to Scotland by knights of the Third Crusade.
Whatever the origins of the tea cake, its centrality to the arcane rituals of Cakesnifferism is unquestioned.
As Keeper of the Tea Cake, I Brother Garfer, am prepared to procure a packet and send it across the dragon infested seas to the strange land that is known as British Columbia.
Only two things are required of Sister Pissoff if this generous gesture is to take place:
- An edible item of a tasty nature, native to the land of British Columbia, must be sent to Brother Garfer in solemn recognition of Sister Pissoff's solemn devotion to the path of the Cakesniffer.
- Photographic evidence of Sister Pissoff consuming the tea cake whilst clad in the sacred Cakesniffer T shirt will be required.
By the crumbs of the cake I do thee bless. Praise be to the raisins. Amen.
17 comments:
Brother Garfer.... I always have a supply of 1/2 smoked canned salmon that fairs well with travel...Pissoff I've caught and cleaned the salmon myself too BTW
Is this red salmon of which you speak, or the fabled pink salmon from the fabled land beyond the seas where seal clubbing is a popular pastime?
We shall take communion with said teacakes that represent the embodiment of all cakesniffing pilgrims, washed down with lashings of ginger beer, to represent their stale wee wee.
She promised me pickles and salmon, methinks the fucking bastard customs guys have got their filthy paws on them!
I'm here! I'm here.
This is an EXCELLENT post, and I agree that it deserves more attention.
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday & I told her about your teacakes, that I wondered if you would send me some. And here we are, April beat me to it. Again! :-)
Are these the biscuit bottom, layer of jam and dome of marshmallow, all coated in milk chocolate teacakes?
Of course it's all fun and joy this exchange of items but you just know it'll end up with seizures at Heathrow and some butch police officer sticking fingers in bottoms.
I can't wait to be raided.
I say Garfer, I'm new to this circle of blogging friends of yours (sorry for barging in - quite like your pals' blog as well) but I have a serious question for you. The last time I had a Tunnock's Tea Cake (2 weeks ago) it said on the wrapper something like "5,000,000 made and sold every week". Is this true? I NEED to know - a £5 bet is relying on it, and you must be the one to settle it...
Thank you, and can I join your religion?
Okay Garfer....Five tins of half smoked canned salmon. Five I say. And one finger up the bottom if you get raided.
I could get ahold of my friend, Sandra, and see if she had an extra Moose steak or Moose roast but I'm afriad it might be a bit pongy my the time it got there. I'm calling her anyway to see what she has. She could have some edible something or other that's canned.
Garf~
What would you be willing to take as a trade from a Texas girl?
Tina
Tunnocks teacakes have a biscuit base but are not tainted with the blasphemy which is a jam centre.
Herge
Teacakes with their marshmallow removed would probably make a cunning receptacle for hard drugs. They could poke about up yer bum all they liked but they would find nowt.
Merkin
Hello and welcome. You will need to consult the Cakesniffer if you wish to join the cult. I am a mere disciple. I believe that £5,000 will secure you an audience at the great one's feet. There are indeed 5 million teacakes sold every day. They are exported to expat Scots around the globe. They are also very popular in Saudi Arabia.
Pissoff
The salmon will be an acceptable trade. Why 'half smoked'? I hope you aren't trying to palm me off with a poor substitute for the fully smoked article. I will set up a web mail address to enable furthur negotiations.
MHN
A well aged T bone steak approximately the same size as Iowa would be an acceptable trade for a box of twelve teacakes.
Yes, £5,000 is always a good start.
So now it's imports and cults...
Oh yes, this is going to end well.
It's a baboon. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. Tina has caused me to relapse into my primate posterior obsession. Religions be damned (nice) - I'm off to the zoo with some binoculars and a sketchbook. Thanks for the memories, Garfer.
hmmm. have to think on that one. I'll get back to ya.
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