Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Danish/Canadian Fisticuffs


OH SHIT!!
It is reported that conflict is about to erupt between Denmark and Canada.
The Danes haven't been noted for their belligerence since the Vikings decided to give the rape and pillage a bit of a rest. These days they spend most of their time raising pigs, smoking drugs and drinking strong lager. Having a tendency to be invaded by Germany every now and then, they tend to keep a low military profile.
The Canucks haven't had a decent punch up since WWII. The only people close enough for them to invade are the Yanks and the Russians. This would be a bad idea. They get rid of some of their aggression through seal clubbing and beating crap out of each other (they call it ice hockey). In the long run, of course, this is no substitute for the real thing.
The cassus belli is a frozen rock called 'Hans Island', located just off the coast of Greenland. Canada and Denmark both claim sovereignty over this guano encrusted lump of nothing.
The Canadian defence minister recently arrived on Hans Island to examine a new Maple Leaf flag planted by Canadian servicemen there, and an old flag left by a Danish naval party three years earlier.
I can see this whole affair ending in tears. Those Canuck bully boys are out to give the plucky Danes a damn good spanking.
I don't see why we Brits should stand idly by while those rude colonials give a bloody nose to our Danish mates. Just think what they've given us over the years: Danish pastries, bacon, Tuborg lager; the list is endless. Let our boys at 'em. We're definitely up for it; we've had a fair crack at the Mick, and we showed those Argies what for. Those moose shaggers wont know what hit 'em.
LET'S INVADE CANADA!

15 comments:

Faltanus said...

considering the penchant you Brits have for fighting over desolate lumps of guano covered rock (can you say "Falkland Islands" any one?) this sounds like a perfect plan. just one question, since your queen is all over their money, i always thought Canada was a British colony. Can't Liz just tell the canucks to cool it and back off?

garfer said...

I suppose we could always send Prince William over to sweet talk them. Those Canuck gals would be eating out of his hand.
One advantage of invading Canada is that we could occupy Quebec and Montreal. That would piss the French off.

Sniffy said...

Come on, let's have a decent scrap to help forget about our troubles in Iraq and Afghanistan! The Candians would kick our arses.

garfer said...

Yeah!
Let's sort out those sour puss Saskatchewans.
Let's kick arse. Today Canada, tomorrow the Isle of Man.

Faltanus said...

considering how well tony blair has done followed orders from g.w. and his gang, i would think the least bush could do is help with the invasion/occupation. and he'll surely give the Brits some of the good parts. like the northern and yukon territories, quebec (you know bush isn't too fond of the frenchies) and prince edward island.

garfer said...

As long as we got Vancouver and a chunk of British Columbia we would be happy.
We like a bit of skiing, and the coast has a nice damp climate (just like home).

Haggiswurst said...

It has been all done before....

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109370/

Wyndham said...

Canada and Denmark - it's the dream team. Talk about handbags at dawn!

garfer said...

As imperial possessions go Greenland wasn't that impressive. There's not much international demand for seals and penguins.
Now it seems that global warming might open up the north west passage. Even the Americans and Russians are starting to take an interest.
Olaf and chums might have a bit of a fight on their hands.

Wyndham said...

I'm very impressed with your grasp of international affairs!

Rowan said...

hey, I always thought that the brits were on our side, ya know, it's common small talk around here, specially when talking with an american, we're all cocky llike: "well, the brits will fight alongside us, we're still somewhat a part of their monarchial system" now I know what you guys say over there, just wait till i tell all my buddies.

Rowan said...

yes!!! go ahead and piss the french off, real canadians don't really consider them part of the country at large anyhow.

garfer said...

We Brits just like slagging people off. We slag each other off all the time: especially the Welsh (dwarves with moustaches).
The only people we are nice to is people we don't like.
You Canadians get off lightly; wait till we start on the Yanks.

Aginoth said...

Hey Faltanus, there are still folk who would like back another colony of ours...big place...lots of states...ummmmm oh yeah the USA {grin}

MHN for short said...

Hey Garf,
how did you get the word verification loaded. I've been trying to no avail. email me if you have time. Thanks.