Monday, August 08, 2005

Tourist Tat

Get tae fuck!!
When people cross the border from England to Scotland they take leave of their senses. Normal perceptions of value and quality instantly evaporate into the ether. Aunty Doris, who normally scours Asda for two for one offers and end of sell by date bargains, and haggles feverishly at market stalls, is overcome by financial incontinence.
Cheap brass ashtrays emblazoned with 'haste ye back' become as covetable as fragments of the true cross. Ornamental celtic brooches manufactured in China from old coathangers are fondled with reverence. Minature bottles of Old MacSporran genuine malt whisky are handled like vials containing the secret of eternal youth. Entire streets are composed of shops selling this kind of crap. Chuck in a few Edinburgh Woollen Mill shops selling shapeless jumpers and you have the perfect recipe for retail hell.
Want to buy a pint of milk, or a new spanner set? Fucking forget it. This is a tourist town; put on your Jimmy hat and fork down your haggis and tatties, the next train south leaves in twenty minutes.
I will be writing a post on 'twee shops' at a later date. Now they REALLY get on my tits.


Herge Smith said...

' Minature bottles of Old MacSporran genuine malt whisky are handled like vials containing the secret of eternal youth'


Who actually shops at Edinburgh Woollen Mill? - I'd love to know the key demographic for their shoppers.

garfer said...

I assume that the Americans and Japs buy up their entire stock during the summer. During the winter they are totally deserted.

becca said...

I've seen a million of em at garage sales back home. £50 new in twee town, Scotland..$5.00 used in Garland, Texas. It's too damned hot to go running around with half a damned sheep strapped to yourself.
If I had a pound for every moron that tells me his great great grannies big toe was half Scottish..and can I pick em up a kilt? The hell I will.

garfer said...

Everyone in North America claims to have a bit of Scots or Irish in 'em. Even Puerto Ricans, it seems, would be perfectly at home in a kilt and sporran.

Sniffy said...

I've got Scottish ancestry - my Grandad, but who hasn't? Then again, I don't harp on about it. Why the fuck would you?

Bloody ock nock nooks are all over the place.

You get cheap tat wherever you go, but I'd like to see photographic evidence of anything that you can get your hands on up there Garfer.

pissoff said...

Come to think of it I've got Scott in me..... LMAO. Get it? Scott in me...? Okay it was lame. Scott in me.

Oh forget it then.

Over here in North America it's usually "my great, great, great, great, grandmother was native." Who gives a fuck?

garfer said...

Will try to find some tat for your perusal (shouldn't be hard).
We're all bloody mongrels.

Sniffy said...

Some of us are mongrel mongoloids