Thursday, August 18, 2005

Madge Takes a Tumble

Rich, famous Americans are rarely satisfied with being treated like royalty; they aspire to some vestige of the real thing. Marrying into the British aristocracy has been fashionable for the last couple of hundred years. Winston Churchill's father, for example, married a rich American heiress.
This has been quite useful for British aristos of course. Generally on their uppers, they require the occasional injection of a few million greenbacks to keep them in country houses and Rolls Royces. Marriage has the added advantage of introducing a bit of vigour into the depleted, interbred gene pool.
For some reason, the poor deluded Americans are under the impression that our moth eared, chinless wonder aristos are in some way the personification of wealth and glamour.
As we natives are well aware, the aristocracy rarely wash, wear down at heel tweeds, and like to spend their summer holidays staying in draughty old barns and shooting innocent wildlife.
Madonna is the latest celeb to fall for the myth hook line and sinker. When she could be in Malibu, warming her 47 year old nether regions in a jacuzzi, she chooses to ride around the dank English countryside on an old nag. It's all very well going native, but what's the point if you're only going to fall off the horse and break three ribs.
Madonna should get a grip and head back stateside. We'll only take the piss out of her by calling her Madge, and force her to drink pints of warm beer. Doesn't the daft bint know that we take great pride in our discomforts?

16 comments:

MHN for short said...

Ah, so this is what they were talking about. I'm with you, she should go some where warmer. Those old people can't take the cold very well.

garfer said...

Arthritic old rock/pop stars should be put down. Don't they realize how ridiculous they look?

pissoff said...

She's 47? Whoa nelly. That's getting on isn't it?

garfer said...

Yeah, that's almost as old as Herge.

Herge Smith said...

What?

That was a tad uncalled for.

I'm a spritely 33 I'll have you know.

I am definately British though, I always take great pride in my discomforts...

garfer said...

We should be proud of our discomforts. We have some of the finest third rate dentistry in the world. This explains why, unlike the Americans, we all have crooked yellow teeth. Picking bits of nut from between misaligned molars is one of my favourite pastimes.

Herge Smith said...

Mine are dreadful - I even had a brace as a kid, which I think made them worse... I even have a large chip in one of the front ones to add to the fucked up-ness.

garfer said...

I hate dentists. I have to get implants to replace two teeth. Not available on the NHS. Price privately, £2,000. Price in Canada, $2,000. Half price! I might as well go there on holiday and get my gnashers fixed at the same time.

Sniffy said...

Awww, Herge doesn't like his teeth, that's so sweet! Mine are fucking terrible too. I had a brace, wait for it... when I started university. My, I was a popular gal!

YEs, I'm not actually sure what Madonna is trying to do, if anything. She says she considers England to be her home, the most beautiful place on the planet, and that she loves it here. She's certainly made a life for herself here. But somehow, you always suspect that she's going to do something - like another Ciccone incarnation. I guess this Kabbalah crap is it, but I'm still waiting for Goth Madge.

Natalia said...

I for one am happy that she took a fall and broke three ribs. Hopefully it will negatively affect her vocal chords at the same time and negate her ability to ever sing again.

pissoff said...

Hey garfer...you may as well come pick up the salmon yourself if you're coming to get your teeth fixed. We have great dental here (with the exception of Rowan's dentist - the bastard) in Canada.

4 years and 28 days for my braces.

Herge...the reason your braces didn't work was because you, apparently, only had one brace. That would have worked if you had one tooth in your mouth. What kind of orthodontists do you produce there in England?

garfer said...

Tina
What is the point in having nerves in teeth?. To remind us to go to the dentist? Mad.
This Kabbala stuff is crap. Your celebs can't settle for becoming Methodists, oh no, it has to be Scientology or (bastard Richard Gere) Buddhism. Tossers.
Natalie
I take it you are not a fan. Let's face it, she is elderly and should retire. A goth Madge doesn't bear thinking about.
Pissoff
We are so short of dentists that we've started bringing them in from Eastern Europe. Mine is a strange Ukranian woman. She is very, very frightening.

Sniffy said...

I think my dentist is an Aussie. that reminds me, I need a checkup!

I like Madonna; she has consistently produced music that matched my age and taste.

Her husband is a twat.

garfer said...

Yeah, Richie and Madge were up here a couple of years ago looking for an estate to buy. I quite like Madge, but the thought of that that tosser wandering about in tartan plus fours makes my stomach turn.

Merkin said...

I don't know whether to laugh or .. er.. laugh at "Madge's" pretending-to-be-gentry accident. I love the way that The Simpsons portray her as a fake-cockney accented wannabe Wiltshire mum - not exactly the most inaccurate portrayal in the world. And what exactly has Guy Ritchie done since Lock Stock? And why does the photo on the post look suspiciously like this one?

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