Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid.


I have a phobia about insects and arachnids. All things creepy crawly, winged with feelers, or possessing six spindly hairy legs give me the total heebie jeebies.

It's not so bad living in the UK; most of our insect life is reasonably innocuous. I don't mind bumble bees, and wasps can be dispatched with a quick flick of a rolled up magazine. Bluebottles squish nicely but leave a nasty yellow smear on the window. Never let it be said that 'he wouldn't hurt a fly, that one'. I was the nasty little git at the back of Primary 1 who tore the legs off flies before impaling their loathsome rotating torsos on the end of a compass. I don't approve of the bastard things. Never have and never will. I am as about as likely to become an entymologist as I am to become one of Madonna's backing singers.

There is, however, one repulsive varmint resident in these isles that leaves me twitching in abject terror. I bring you THE GIANT WOOD WASP (Urocerus gigas L.). Pictured above; it just looks like a black ugly wasp. It's much, much worse than that. The bugger is fucking ginormous. It grows to almost the length of my index finger. Not only that, it has a hulking great proboscis protruding out of its abdomen that you can just imagine sinking into one of your buttocks like a giant hypodermic needle. If you ever have the misfortune to experience one of these huge bastards flying past your ear buzzing like a chain saw at full chat, you will probably react like I did. I ran; very fast, in circles, yelling.

The one redeeming feature the Giant Wood Wasp possesses is that it is actually totally harmless. What looks like a big sting is in fact a probe used for laying eggs in scots pine trees.


I don't care. They are still utterly terrifying. Guess what type of tree surrounds my house. Yep, you've guessed. Bleedin' scots pines. God, do I choose some sensible places to live.


Herge Smith said...

He's a big bastard alright.

Yeah, we don't have terribly dangerous insects in the this country - but fuck me are my legs suffering - bleedin' bites covering them.

That + hayfever - miserable cunt till september. (and then over Christmas into new year, through spring, back into Summer).

garfer said...

I used to get bad hayfever but haven't suffered for a couple of years now.
We have sheep ticks up here. They have to be the lowest form of life.
Will probably devote a post to the bloodsuckers sometime.

Sniffy said...

That thing is the Devil incarnate.

I bloody hate all creepy crawlies; they're all bastards!