Saturday, July 16, 2005

On Swearing

I like to have a bit of a swear when I am blogging. I don't swear much out in the real world. It isn't really the done thing, and anyway, I am a pathetic physical coward. If I swore at people they would probably punch me. That wouldn't be very nice at all. I would be forced to cower.
Blogging is different. It allows the release of innermost frustrations and enables the expression of irritation with the petty absurdities and daft constraints of day to day life.
I suspect that most peoples mental processes are more or less a stream of conciousness swearathon. That woman fumbling through her purse at the check out queue in a vain search for the right debit card. All appears calm on the sanguine exterior you present to the rest of the queue. Inside, your expletive strewn tirade grows in profanity as a vein bulges in your temple.
In certain situations public swearing is ok. Stubbed your toe; go ahead. Children present; let rip.
Tired and emotional; be my guest.
The English language has a seemingly inexhaustible supply of swear words. We have the good old reliable, monosyllabic anglo-saxonisms. The beauty of these is that they can be co-joined to produce a vast array of permutations: fuckwit, cuntfeatures, shithead etc etc. Synonyms for the more popular swearwords abound (twat, shag etc) and are usually more acceptable in day to day usage.
I am convinced that the essential non bellicosity* of our natural character can be explained by our abilty to swear inwardly and at length. We don't count to ten, we curse to ten.
As the British lowered the Union flag as Aden was given independence in 1967, Denis Healy turned to the Governor and asked wistfully:
" What do you think will be the lasting legacy of the British Empire".
The Governor replied:
"Two things Foreign Secretary: association football and the phrase 'fuck off'"
Couldn't have put it better myself.

*Except when congregated in city centres of a Saturday night getting pissed up on super strenghth lager.
Continental 'cafe culture' Mr Blair. Pah!


Sniffy said...

Brilliant Garfer. Your command of the language is wonderful and I agree wholeheartedly. I too love combination swearing and was delighted to discover "fucktard", which I think might be American. Cunting arseholes is another favourite, it means bugger all, but it says so much.

On a day when I've been shocked and appalled, I was also shocked and thrilled when my moonlighting boss (not David or Maddie) said somebody was a "fucking prat". In all the years I've known Alan, the strongest language I've ever heard him use has been "crumbs". It says something about me that my respect for him, although already very high, sky-rocketted when I heard this morning's mumblings from him.

garfer said...

Alan should just confront his inner wooze and come and say it,

Herge Smith said...

I swear too much in public. But I do do it only for affect - I can control it. This makes me a cunt. I'm happy with that.

My favourite swearing things are;

1. Cunting witch tits
2. Cunthole bitch.

You are on the money when you say we are best at swear. Fucking right we are.

I love it in American films where a Brit will call someone a 'wanker' it always sounds hilarious.