Saturday, July 30, 2005

Invasion of the Caravans

It's that time of year again. Wilfrid and Ethel have hitched their caravan to the Rover and headed up to the Scottish highlands for their annual two week holiday

The caravan and car are of course crammed with food. This way they will not have to buy anything during their visit. Why should they line the pockets of restaurants, local shops and hotels when they can cook for themselves on their single ring stove?

I have always been mystified by caravaners. I can't for the life of me see the attraction of spending a fortnight in a tin shack and pissing in a chemical toilet. They may not be spending any money, but you can be sure that the caravan cost at least £10K. That would pay for plenty of holidays in a good quality hotel and a hell of a lot of fine dining to boot.

One of the joys of living up here are the empty sweeping A roads. There are no speed cameras and the local plod couldn't really give a stuff about speeding drivers. We need to speed because it would take aeons to get anywhere otherwise. The caravaners put paid to that. They drive in convoy at 40mph, occasionally dropping to 25mph to coo at the breathtaking scenery. As a consequence,a vast line of seething drivers are left in their wake. Eventually the frustration gets too much and someone tries to overtake six cars and three caravans in one sweep. Consequence: head on collision.

Keep death off the roads I say. Shoot the fuckers on sight or, at the very least, restrict their movements to the hours of darkness.


pissoff said...

Camping here, in North America, is a favourite summer past time. However, having had to drive behind many a slow campers/trailers/5th wheel etc you start to hate the fuckers.

I drive over the Cascade Mountains a few times a year and there's tons of caravans taking that route and they're a pain in the ass. However, on this route they have signs saying "a delay of five vehicles is illegal. You must use pull out lane." or something to that affect. But do you think half the fuckers will?

Anyway...that's my gripe today.

garfer said...

Funnily enough, the motorhome drivers over here are ok. They drive at reasonable speeds and go out and spend money.

Sniffy said...

I hate caravaners with so much of my spirit that there's sometimes little venom left for anybody else! It's not just the country roads they clog up, it's every bloody road - especially busy motorways at rush hour, pootling along at 40 so all the wagons have to overtake them.

Useless, dangerous shit things, owned by complete and utter wankers.

garfer said...

My tongue has gone numb.

Herge Smith said...

I drove down to Bournemouth on Saturday with half the journey taking place on A roads - by the time I got there I was hoarse through scream at caravan after caravan that took me from a steady 60 to a horrific 25/30.

They should be restricted to driving between 2am to 6am only (like old people).

Caravan, or Vanacunts... you decide.

garfer said...

Bazooka the vanacunts I say. An explosion of thermos flasks and tartan rugs would make my day.