Wednesday, July 20, 2005

My Low Fat Food Hell


I'm glad that I found this photograph. It means I can have a pop at two of my favourite bugbears simultaneously.

Failed stand up comedian, Ainsley Harriot, has to be the most irritating man in the universe. Having a go at him can't be construed as rascist; even black people can't stand him. He prances around like a goofy Uncle Tom playing up to every racial stereotype imaginable. Percy pepper, Suzy salt? Fuck off. If the tosser was to put an arm around my shoulders and say; "what are you like?", I would have no hesitation in kneeing him firmly in the balls.

It's not even as though he's a proper chef. Teams of researchers come up with recipes for line caught tuna marinated in balsamic vinegar and goats urine. Then all Ainsley has to do is prance around like something out of 'The Black and White Minstrel Show' circa 1973. Tit.

I'd love to have a go at Gary Rhodes too, but he's just a skinny whippet with a stupid haircut.

Which brings me neatly onto the subject of low fat food. I've got nothing against low fat food per se; I'm quite partial to plain steamed basmati rice, and I wouldn't turn my nose up at a nice piece of freshly fried mackerel.

It's low fat versions of perfectly edible full fat recipes that I object to. How in the name of god can you have a low fat gratin dauphinoise? The whole point of the stuff is that it's 60% double cream and butter. That's why it tastes unctuous. Start bollocking about with low fat creme fraiche and reduced fat spread and you end up with something that tastes like spuds in wallpaper paste. It is an abomination.

I have to be very eagle-eyed in the supermarket. It's perfectly possible to inadvertently pack your trolley with lots of yummy pre packed meals and sauces that turn out to have 'eat sensible' and 'reduced calorie' written on their packaging in small lettering. Has anyone ever tasted low fat Hellman's mayonnaise? It is absolutely fucking foul. I would rather eat a plate of mouse droppings.

Fat is flavour. If you want to diet, just avoid the stuff. There are plenty of clean tasting low fat alternatives that don't pretend to be something they're not. Just don't kid yourself that curry sans ghee, or potatoes roasted in Benecol are the real McCoy.

You don't want to get me started on SALT.


Herge Smith said...

I eat less - but when I do eat - I eat FULL FAT. Low fat my arse.

As for Ainsley - I'm fucking blacker than Ainsley and I look like I'm auditioning for a role as edward scissorfingers (the less when know prequel)

He is actual 'low fat black' - still looks the same, but has lost all the flavour, vitality and taste that made it unique and interesting in the first place.

Ut oh - my internal PC alarm is going - was I just racist?

garfer said...

The terms 'black' and 'irritating' are not mutually exclusive.
Bob Marley would probably have whacked Ainsley over the head with his mike stand before smoking a large spliff to rid his memory of the gurning twat.

Sniffy said...

SALT! Love it to bits.

I couldn't agree more with either of you.

Captain Beefheart said...

What a wanker that bloke is!

Sorry this isn't a witty or thought provoking comment, but he really is a complete arse!

garfer said...


Well said sir.